If you can read this, you were not saved :-(

Happy Sunday Sinners.

I have scheduled this post for 12:01am on Sunday, May 22nd, 2011. This is probably the last post you will see from me as I am now in Heaven with all the Mormons, Christians, and other people who go with God. I feel bad that I will not be seeing you anymore, but I am in Heaven and you are not; how bad can it be?

As I said, I am writing this early so I am not exactly sure what has happened to the rest of you ‘people’. Now I am not a Bible scholar (or a good speller) but I did spend a lot of time in church and religious school (thank you Mom and Dad – they are up here to). I’m pretty sure you are battling Zombies and crazy birds. The rivers are running red with the blood of the damned, and your Wal-Mart looks like the Four Seasons.

I don’t feel that I am better than you because I am in Heaven and you are not, instead, I KNOW I am better than you because I am in Heaven. It was good knowing you suckers, guess you wish you had lived a better, more Montez-like life.

UPDATE: Scratch what I just said…I woke up like the rest of you and therefore, I can only assume the Rapture was rescheduled for a later date…or the math was off.

World’s oldest panda dies – Erotic asphyxiation suspected!

Ming Ming the panda is dead. Giant pandas are among the world’s most endangered species, and this death did not help those numbers. Pandas are one of the laziest creatures on the planet. In 1991, Ming Ming was sent to Germany to mate with Bao Bao, but instead of making love, they smoked weed and ate bamboo pizza.

Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/wildlife/8518373/Worlds-oldest-panda-dies-in-Chinese-zoo-at-age-34.html

Who is Danielle Montez and How to use Gmail Filters

When I was young, I thought my last name was unique. The only people I knew who had the same last name were family members and most of them lived in Arizona. No one accidentally called my name and then said, ‘Not you, the other Michael Montez.’

Then I became interested in computers and computing. With every new online service came the need to create an online username. So naturally, I choose MONTEZ as my username as often as I could. This has worked out perfectly for me…up until recently.

As an early adopter of Google’s Gmail, I snatched up Montez at Gmail dot com (hold your applause). This was back in 2007 or sooner. Gmail was used mostly by tech-savvy folks. The common man was still on AOL or Hotmail.

Now everyone uses or knows about email, Gmail, Cloud Services, etc. Also, MONTEZ, as it turns out, is about as common in Hispanic culture as SMITH is in other cultures. So what does that mean? It means I am starting to get a ton of other people’s emails. By that, I mean, people who have some form of MONTEZ in their name (First Name, Last Name) just have people send email to MONTEZ at Gmail dot com.

Now I am getting a lot of personal email sent to me from people I do not know. More importantly, I am getting chain emails (remember those) from people I don’t know. The newest scam alerts, request for prayers, scheduled calendar events, password reset notifications, the whole nine yards. One particular individual is sending a lot of unnecessary mail to ‘Danielle Montez’ (complete with animated GIFs). So I created a Gmail filter and now all the mail from this person goes straight into the Archive. Here’s how you do it:

From within the Gmail application, you will have a list of email, check the box next to the email you want to filter (you can select multiple emails if you like)
In the top bar, there will be a MORE ACTIONS box, click it. Clicking the box will display a drop down menu. Select FILTER MESSAGES LIKE THESE
A yellow section will appear. Here you can add what types of messages to filter. Once you have all your qualifiers in place, click the NEXT STEP button.
In this section, you tell the filter what to do with emails that qualify in step 3. So you can delete, forward, etc. the emails that fall within the rules of step 3. In my case, I just MARK AS READ and ARCHIVE all emails from this person.
That’s it, no more email for Danielle Montez in my inbox.

Samsung’s case of Anorexia Nervosa

Looks like Samsung just announced an “An Air for All” with their new Samsung 9 Series. This is a Windows machine with a 13.3 inch screen, almost identical dimensions to the MacBook Air (2.89 pounds and measures .68 inches thick), HDMI port, i5 processor (a lot faster than the MacBook Air), 128GB SSD drive, 4B RAM, built-in speakers with sub-woofer, and my favorite part – a back-lit keyboard! In addition to all that, it’s one sexy mo-fo. Made from black duralumin, it’s going to look sexy next to Alison’s MacBook Air.

samsung9series2

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